16 Nov , 12:32
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Love or Dependence: How to Distinguish Healthy Feelings from Toxic Attachment
As reported by TUT.AZ, many of us confuse painful attachment with real love, and maturity in relationships is not determined by age at all. Psychologist Marina Sklyarova shared with Gazeta.Ru her expert opinion on where the fine line between genuine feeling and emotional dependence lies.
"The feeling of falling in love always has a bright beginning and implies a flash of emotions and a moment of idealization, when we endow our partner with all the qualities we dreamed of, creating a gap between the real person and the imagined image. This mechanism comes from childhood - a carefree time in which we considered our parents perfect," she explained.
However, the next stage is disappointment: the child realizes that mom is not perfect. Then the little person understands and accepts that she cannot give him everything, but still remains loved, needed and important - and then he begins to see the world as real, without black-and-white extremes.
"It's the same in adult relationships. After idealization, they go through an inevitable stage of disappointment. We begin to see our partner without rose-colored glasses, and if we have enough maturity, we integrate their image, accepting both the 'good' and the 'imperfect.' This is exactly how the foundation for mature love is born," said the psychologist.
If the process of separation from parents was traumatic, then in adult life, a person may unconsciously seek not love in a partner, but salvation, filling an inner emptiness, and a sense of security.
"This is how dependency forms, when life literally revolves around another person. Mood, self-esteem, and well-being begin to completely depend on the partner. At the same time, the relationship goes in a vicious circle: euphoria, 'butterflies in the stomach' and fusion with the partner are replaced by anxiety and an acute thirst for attention, and then devaluation and disappointment occur again. This cycle can repeat for years, depleting you physically and emotionally," Sklyarova warned.
Unlike dependency, mature love is born from inner fullness. Its main principle is: "I'm good without you, but with you - it's better."
"This is not a need, but a conscious choice. It forms when a person has an internal resource and support that come from childhood, thanks to the warm and accepting attitude of the mother. In healthy relationships, partners perceive each other not as property and a supplement to themselves, but from the perspective of separate individuals. They respect each other's boundaries, learn to negotiate, and do not try to remake each other. Such love gives peace and a sense of stability; there is no place for anxiety, control, and fear of loss. In it, you can openly talk about your feelings, get angry, rejoice, miss each other, while remaining in warm contact with each other," the specialist added.
To understand the nature of your relationship, honestly answer yourself a few questions.
"Do you feel like an adult who can negotiate, or like a child who either idolizes or blames? Do you feel good both with your partner and alone, or does life lose meaning in their absence? Do you respect your own and others' boundaries? Do you expect your partner to save you from external problems and internal torments? Mature love is not perfect, but it is real, and in it, you can boldly be imperfect, but still - accepted and loved," the psychologist summarized.
